I was just staring at the gate. That faithful morning when everything was to be in full bloom I was just staring at the white plain gate. It was as if I didn’t know why I was there, I was just there. The wind was breezing. Blankly, I was waiting for nothing staring at that white gate. Or in that case, nothingness.
I knew it was a failure then and there. I knew it was going to be one of those instances where I was the one soldier left standing and I was just bashing away waiting for someone to put me out of consciousness. I was a fighter before that. I would always get my way through because I …loved the premise that I could – that I would. But the instant I saw my shadow at that gates I just knew that I was going to stare at it waiting for the confirmation that I did not want it anymore.
I guess it was a matter of appreciation. If I did appreciate it, it was not the case anymore. I did not. I no longer did at that instant. It was just a matter of finishing what I had to because the little the appreciation I had then I wanted to salvage. It got to me. Or, finally I let it get to me. I finally saw what everyone was binging on. Why would I appreciate something that no one could? Did? Perhaps, ever will not? I understand that people have to deal with their own plates and eat their own meals, but why would I gobble up a whole buffet by myself? And then I no longer saw why I was there. I was there because the circumstance led me to, but much deeper than that, I was there for no reason apparent to me. I was staring at the white gate, the wind breezing through me as if teasing me of the freedom I capitulated into one direction. I was there. I did not want to.
And so they say, we choose the battles we fight, we choose the roads we traverse and we go the direction we want. So I did. It makes me wonder if things would have been different, what would I be? Or where? But I look at pictures in my head, and then it breezes through me. Perhaps, it’s better this way.
No, it is better this way.
After getting what I needed I went home. I went home from the gate after that, literally and figuratively. I found myself just waiting along with other people. I am home at my own gates. Yes, this is better.
